So
you've read the BigBarcelonaBlog's guide to speaking fluent Spanish in Fifty
Words or less, said Hola and Que Tal, and now you want more. You yearn to
converse in Spanish at a greater conceptual depth, to offer pithy insights and
debate vigorously and insightfully on the varied topics of the day with your
Castillian amigos. And you come to the BigBarcelonaBlog and you say “Ayudame
BigBareclonaBlog”. I will overlook the fact you didn't call me Godfather
BigBarcelonaBlog because unlike Marlon Brando I'm not hung up on status and get
on with it.
First
the blunt truth. If you are going to be stretching your verbal contributions
you are going to need verbs. And verbs is where Spanish starts to get just a
little bit tricky.
Let
me demonstrate by comparing the Spanish verb with the English verb.
The
English verb is a simple, uncomplicated thing. It wants to make life easy for
you. It is your friend. Allow me to conjugate one.
Verb : To eat
I eat
You eat
….And now the complicated bit...
He eats
She eats
...Gah that was a bit crazy says the
English language. Adding one whole extra letter! We really let ourselves go
there didn't we? Let's get back to normality...
We eat
They eat
You
see simple, to the point. The kind of verb that gets you chomping on your fish
‘n’chips with the least possible inconvenience
For comparison purposes. The Spanish
verb to eat
Verb : Comer
I eat : (Yo)
Como
You
(informal) eat : (Tu) Comes
He/She/You (formal) eats :
(El/Ella/Usted) Come
We eat : (Nosotros) Comemos
You (informal) eat :
(Vosotros) Coméis
He/She/You
(formal) eats : (Ellos/Ellas/Ustedes) Comen
Do
you see how complicated that is? There's so many endings that you won't be
chewing on a mouthful of succulent
paella any time soon. At least not if you want to bite into it
grammatically correctly. Indeed it has been argued that the obesity crisis
currently sweeping through the English speaking nations is not in fact due to
our greedy consumption of fatty fast foods but instead because the simplicity
of our verb conjugation allow us tuck in much quicker. While the Spanish are
still checking their endings we've already got a bellyful and are reaching for
seconds. And the simple availability and fast formation of our verb endings is
reflected in our waistlines. It should be acknowledged that this argument is so
far confined to a niche group and that niche group is the BigBarcelonaBlog. But
people used to laugh at the idea of Plate Tectonics. And they're not laughing
now. Oh no. Actually I don't know if anyone did laugh at Plate Tectonics as
they lacked a satisfactory punchline but they certainly pooh-poohed. And
they're not pooh-poohing now.
Back
to Spanish verb endings which are so varied that the subject pronouns have become redundant (that's why they are in
brackets in the example above because nobody actually says them) as the form of
the verb tells you who is doing the action. So to say “I eat” you simply say
“Como” and similarly “he eats” translates to “Come” and should you wish to say
“you eat” then...
You
stop. You consider the number of people you are talking to. You consider the
country you are in. You consider the region of the country you are in. You
consider the age and status of the person you are talking to in relation to
yourself and then, and only then, do you dare to utter a word. It's a
complicated business which takes time to sort out. No wonder the Spanish eat so
late.
Glance
back up to the verbs above. You will notice that English allows for only
possible configuration. “You eat.” This is the same whether the you is your
friend or your boss or two of your friends or two of your bosses. To each of
them you would say “You eat...” Simple, straightforward, spiffing.
But
in Spanish all these people would need to be addressed differently depending on
the number of them and the level of formality. And when I say informal or
formal I don't mean whether they keep their mouth closed while chewing. Instead
I mean primarily whether you are in Northern Spain or Southern Spain/ South
America and whether the person is younger or older or more senior or less
senior than you.
Take
a deep breath. Here goes:
If
you are talking to your friend anywhere you use the tu form (but without saying
tu remember).
So
you say : Comes.
Simple!
But
if you are talking to your boss it depends. If you are in Barcelona you would
use the tu form but if you were in Andalucia or Buenos Aires you would use the
“usted” form. So it would be either “Comes” or “Come”. Not so simple.
If you were talking
to two of your friends you would say : Coméis
But
the problem arises again if you are talking to two of your bosses. It depends
where you are what form you use. So in Barcelona your friends and your bosses
would both be “Coméis” but in Sevilla or La Paz it would be “Comen” for the
bosses. Indeed the confusion around how exactly you should address your boss
has been postulated as an explanation for the much higher incidence of
self-employment in Spain compared to other countries. At least when talking to
yourself you are allowed to say pretty much what you like.
Strangers
can be another problem. Children are always “tu” and old age pensioners are
always “usted” but in between it's complete chaos and no Spanish person has
ever adequately explained to the BigBarcelonaBlog how and when you know the
difference, instead just shrugging and saying irritating stuff like “you just
know” which is absolutely no use at all to those of us who just don't.
The
BigBarcelonaBlog therefore recommends that if unsure you fall back on the
confused linguist staple expedient known far and wide as...the mumble.
I
know it's a cop-out and as a plain-speaking, no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is
sort of blog I should be ashamed but what can I tell you? (The easy thing about
English is that when I write what can I tell you? I can do it without fear of
offending anyone whereas if I was doing it in Spanish I wouldn't know if the
person reading my blog was younger or older, junior or senior, in an internet
cafe on the Ramblas or in a hacienda in Montevideo and I would be almost
guaranteed to upset someone.)
The
other solution is just to ignore the rest of the Spanish speaking world and
just come to Barcelona where everybody is a friend and nobody needs to be
called anything but tu. Think how much easier your linguistic journey would be
and, more importantly, how much more relevant the rest of my blog would be and
how much you'd want to go and read the rest of it clicking on an advert or two
on your way. It would be rude of me not to leave you (or you, or you, or you) to
it. Adios
