Occasionally the BigBarcelonaBlog finds himself in
conversation with his readers (otherwise known - at least to the
BigBarcelonaBlog) as The Globbies. These lucky people are fortunate enough to
have the golden nuggets of invaluable tips and hard gleaned insight brought to
their living rooms merely for the cost of an idle click of a button. So you
would expect that the Globbies when encountering the BigBarcelonaBlog in person
would respond in kind to this selfless generosity and insistently ply him with
a combination of cool compliments and cold cervezas.
You would be
mistaken.
I will pause
here for you to be astonished.
(Pause)
For instead of
the cool compliments and the cold cervezas the BigBarcelonaBlog is usually
rewarded for his pains with the following...
“I read your
blog. It’s good but...it's a bit long.”
And when you
are repeating this statement to yourself because it is so incredible that only
a number of iterations will render it comprehensible to the human mind please
remember when restating the final part to do so with a tinge of whining toddler in your tone.
I mean I could
point out the clue is in the title...BIG being the bit I’m referring to.
Just so you
know, the BigBarcelonaBlog's entries come in at about 1000 words - it's hardly War and Peace. It's not even War
and Peas (Tolstoy's much shorter, greener and less successful first draft which
saw Russia’s conflict with Napoleon through the eyes of a greengrocer). And yet some of its readers are so stretched
by the discipline of reading a full entry they feel the need to take a break
halfway through, recharge their optic batteries and come back later. What, I
ask you, does it say about contemporary society when adults can't take more
than three jokes about modernist architecture, Gaudi and the irrationality of
Spanish verb rules before they need to lie down with a cold compress on their
foreheads?
Is it any
wonder we are in a crisis? The BigBarcelonaBlog thinks not.
Nevertheless
after hearing an increasing number of “It's a bit long”s (don't forget the
toddler whine) the BigBarcelonaBlog has decided that though it goes against all
his prinicples he is going to have to take the criticism on board. I am
resolved to pander to these short attention spanned spammers and their minimal
desires by producing a brief, punchy, pointed entry that will take no longer to
read than it took Puck to put a girdle round the Earth.
Here goes..
The tour
bus...
or to be more
accurate the tour buses.
These set off
from Plaza Catalunya at regular intervals offering to show the newly arrived
traveller the very best of Barcelona. The BigBarcelonaBlog has one sentence of
advice for you on the subject of the tour bus:
Don't blink or
you'll miss it.
One..two...three...
Ready...steady...go...
Do not get on
one! Ever!
The End.
Happy now?
Of course
you're not. Now you “it's too longers” see what you were mssing. Would you cut
the Fool from Lear? Satan from Paradise Lost? Alan Shearer from the Match of
the Day panel (OK there's a case for that one).
Of course you
wouldn't. You want the BigBarcelonaBlog's justification. You want his extended
views. You want a joke about Gaudi. Anything else would be Hamlet without the
prince. Or at least without Osrick.
So why
shouldn't you get on the tour bus?
Because
Barcelona is the very last city you ever want to go round in a bus. You will
miss the following things: the Barri Gotico, El Borne, the Raval, Gracia. In
exchange for missing these highlights you will receive the following: Plaza
Espanya, queues and the opportunity to appear in a number of extended shaky
handheld videos made by baseball cap wearing middle aged men channeling their
inner Spielberg. You think the BigBarcelonaBlog is long? Try watching someone's
unedited video of their recent mini-break.
True it goes
to some places the BigBarcelonaBlog recommends. But it does so in the least
Barcelona way possible. Contradictory as it sounds, people who use the Tour Bus
want to see Barcelona without actually seeing the city.
But if that's
not enough there is an even greater reason not to get on the bus. Hold off with
that cold compress for a moment while I tell you. Because every time you get on
a tour bus or the like you are betraying a lack of faith in yourself. You are
saying “I cannot explore, I cannot discover” - I want someone else to do it.
Somebody who knows the right answer. But
cities are not Maths problems (except for Milton Keynes). There is no right
answer. Everybody sitting on the open
top bus as it painfully inches its way up Via Laitana is crying out “I want to
see the same Barcelona as everybody else. I want the approved version, the
tried and tested version, the one without any surprises.” But what you get is
the unimaginitive, the safe and the stodgy.
Now,
BigBarcelonaBlog I can hear you crying, you are being too harsh. What is one
soulless bus ride between amigos?
Ah but there's
the rub. Because the choice to take one bus ride now will have repercussions
further down the line. I will say but one word.
Cruises!
You think you
can just step on and off a bus but you cannot step on and off a state of mind.
Bus rides lead to coach tours lead to guided tours lead to cruises. And if you
don't want to find yourself in thirty years’ time standing by an all you can
eat buffet at midnight discussing the merits of elasticated pants while forcing
down a bread roll you have no real need for then the time to make a stand is
here.
Turn your back
on the easy. Turn your back on the safe. Embrace the unknown. Trust
yourself. This is Barcelona. You’re not
clever enough not to find something worth seeing. So what if it isn’t in the
guide book. So what if Time Out don’t claim it’s a must see. This is your trip
and your life.
So live it!
There you are.
The all new ShortBarcelonaBlog. What do you think?
I’m worried it
might be just a bit long.
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